May 3, 2013

Dear Ramsey,
You turned 3 earlier this month and as with your life since birth, time is flying by. I have barely had time to sit down and write to tell you just how amazing you are. There are so many words to describe you: spunky, loveable, strong willed, determined, silly, sensitive, helpful, smart, etc. that I may need a dictionary to describe you because my vocabulary is so limited.

This past year has been one of growth, challenge and change for us both. You are becoming more independent and uniquely you, while I am learning to be your Mommy.

Despite the heartache, it was the best move for us to switch schools. You are thriving at The Gardner School. They have been wonderful helping you learn how to manage your feelings, your sensitivities, and have helped foster your personality and spunk without stifling all that is you. OT has been helping too. When Miss Kristen left for Korea, I thought for sure it would be more difficult but like so many other things, you amazed me with your ability to handle that transition pretty well.

You are a very creative and imaginative little girl. Coloring, drawing, playing babies, pretending and of course, following your big sister around are all your favorite activities. The Mobi-Go is your favorite game aside from my phone. The song Thrift Shop is one you will sing a lot and if you want to hear it you'll tell us you want the "poppin' tags" song. Reading is also something you love to do and I will find you in your bed with your babies all lined up, reading to them.

There's also a fiery, spunky side to you that I do not always understand, but I try. You want to be independent. You want things your way, when you want it. Unfortunately, life does not always work out the way you want and I am trying to guide you without breaking that spirit. I know one day that determination and confidence will be beneficial as you grown up.

For your birthday Daddy and I spent the evening with just you. The next morning the three of us went and had donuts. You love the ones with sprinkles and liked all the icing and sprinkles off the tops. I showed you your book with your pictures from when you were born and up until now. I cannot BELIEVE you are already three.

Thank you for being a part of our family. I love your big hugs, wet kisses, silly smiles and dances and your big-girlness. But please don't grow up too quickly. I want to always be able to snuggly you close and kiss the sweet softness of your head.

Mommy loves you.

About Cara

• Nicknames: Cara O'Beara, Care Bear
• Age: 5
• Favorite color: purple
• Favorite song: Depends on the day but she LOVES to sing Katy Perry, Mumford & Sons, The Lumineers, Christmas songs, etc.
• Activities: Takes gymnastics at All About Kids. At school she does computer, dance, drama, science and Spanish.
• Best friend: Greyson H.
• Favorite toys: LeadFrog tablet, babies
• Favorite things to do: dance and sing, color
• Favorite TV shows: Good Luck Charlie, Sophia the First
• Likes to wear: skirts that puff out when she twirls, her "light up" tennis shoes, sparkly boots, flip flops
• What Cara wants to be when she grows up: A Mommy Teacher
• Favorite book: Anything that she can practice reading.
• Favorite thing to drink: Milk
• Favorite breakfast: Sausage
• Favorite lunch: Rice and Beans
• Favorite dinner: Rice and Beans
• Favorite game
• Pets: Copper, Pumpkin and Romeo

About Ramsey

Nicknames: Ram, Rami, Ramalamadingdong

Age: 2

Favorite color: yellow

Favorite song: Depends on the day but she loves to sing.

Activities: Takes gymnastics at All About Kids. At school she does dance.

Best friend: "girl" Peyton

Favorite toys: babies, MobiGo

Favorite things to do: dance and sing, color, do puzzles

Favorite TV shows: any cartoon

Likes to wear: dresses

What Ramsey wants to be when she grows up:

Favorite book: Hands Hands Fingers Thumbs

Favorite thing to drink: Milk

Favorite breakfast: Pancakes

Favorite lunch: Rice and Beans

Favorite dinner: Rice and Beans

Favorite game

Pets: Copper, Pumpkin and Romeo

So sensitive

Look at that smile. Don't you just want to hug her and squeeze her? She's an amazing and complex little girl that I cannot imagine living without but it's not always easy.

It's been over a year now since all of the biting that led us to finding a new school and reaching out to an OT who helped us diagnose her sensory issues. We have come a long way, but it's often two steps forward and three steps back.

While she no longer bites like she used to, there are still times when she'll revert back to that behavior when she isn't feeling well, there's a major transition or can't articulate how she is feeling. She still likes to mouth things like her blankey or her hands for comfort. The chewies we bought aren't used as much but we'll return to them from time-to-time.

Things like hair washing and brushing and clothing issues, which didn't seem to be much of an issue for her before now come up a lot. At this time she covers her face with a rag when I was her hair and only lets me brush it with a certain brush. She won't wear any pants with buttons and prefers "stretchy" pants. We typically don't force the clothing issues because that's just not a battle worth fighting, but hair washing and brush require lots of effort.

Socks and shoes are still an issue at times and she much prefers to go without. I can't really blame her there because I like to go without them too. It does make things challenging when we often have to put them back on. However, I have taken to letting her just walk barefoot when possible. There are places where shoes are a MUST but others where it just doesn't matter.

Loud, busy places still can get her wound up and agitated. I feel rude when we are places and have to step out or leave but it makes things much, much easier for all of us if we are prepared to do that.

I worry about her when she's older. What will she be like? What will her life be like with these sensitivities? We are in a school now that works with us. What will happen if we go somewhere that isn't? Will she function well with the other kids as she gets older? Will these things keep her from being social and active? Will they be debilitating or are we addressing them appropriately now so she is better off in the future? I just don't know.

I find myself exhausted and frustrated at times. People don't always understand and just think it's normal toddler behavior. Somes times, it is. Other times, it's things we have been dealing with for over a year that just get bigger and louder as she gets older. I don't think I always do a good job with her or that I don't have enough patience. I compare myself to parents whose children have severe disabilities and think I have no right to complain or feel overwhelmed by it because their lives are much more difficult. I remind myself that I am only human and so is she. We'll figure this out together.

5 years

Dear Cara Beara,
You are now 5 years old and honestly I am not sure where the time went. Each and every day I look at you and still feel that deep, deep overwhelming love that I had the day we met. I actually think I love you more as I watch you grow into a little girl.

You have been accepted into kindergarten and will start in the Fall. They scored you based on some standardize testing and observation. I was, and am, so proud that you scored above average with regards to your readiness. I know you are smart and now others do too.

I am really struggling with allowing you to do more 5 year old things. I know I cannot shelter you from hurt and pain, those are just part of life. But I really want to. I hate to see the look of sadness and disappointment in your eyes. It kills me.

I am also fearful of this world we live in. Things seem much more complicated and dangerous. You are so sweet and innocent. I do not want the outside world to destroy the beauty that is you. So I cling tightly, probably too tightly, and I know that is not always good.

One day when you are older you may question your crazy Mom, but please know my intentions always start in a place of love.

Now, to who you are at 5. You are successfully growing out of all your clothes and shoes. And when we do but you clothes you want tutus and skirts. Anything that twirls. Your favorite pair of shoes light up and Aunt Roni bought them for you.

On your actual birthday we got your hair cut in the most adorable bob. I love it and you look super cute. You love wearing headbands and doing your own hair.

Drawing, cutting, coloring and other crafty things are top of your list. You also love to sing and dance. You will both sing along with the radio and make up your own songs.

The majority of the time you are sweet and loving with Ramsey. You are still sisters so I do expect some fighting and you all do that too. I love to see you take her hand and help her along. You also are extremely involved in the OT we do with her. Our little therapist.

Being your Mommy is one of the best things I have ever done. I am not perfect but I try really hard to ensure you are happy and healthy. I look forward to watching you grow but I am also sad to let my little girl go.

I love you with all my heart.

Happy 5th birthday!

Love Mommy

A day of celebrating

Today my sweet, sweet Cara has a milestone birthday. She turns 5! I took the day off work so I could spend it with her.

First, we had donuts at Dunkin Donuts where she got 2 chocolate glazed donuts and chocolate milk. Instead of eating the donuts she just picked and licked all the chocolate from the top.

Then we went to get a hair cut. We got a super cute bob and I love it.

Once her hair was cut we headed for the movie theater to see Monsters, Inc in 3D. I wasn't sure she'd make it through the whole movie, and she didn't, but it was still a nice time. We were the only people in the movie theater and got to cuddle up during the show.

Now we are at home for a little lunch and rest before we head out to get her pictures taken. For her birthday dinner Cara has picked Chuck E Cheese.

Kindergarten

Today we took Miss C to her Kindergarten screening at St. Al's. I did my best to try and prepare her for what to expect but she is definitely her Momma's girl. When we got there she became very shy and clingy.

I get it. I totally get it, because I feel that way in new settings. I definitely take a bit to warm up to people and it is difficult for me to be more outgoing at times when I don't know people. I am trying to help her get past that because I know it's both ok to be that way and have worked hard to move out of my comfort zone when I have to. But I am not sure how to do that with a soon to be 5 year old.

I knew that once she got going, and with Mia's help, she would be fine. And she was. I didn't cry. Thought I felt like it. She seems so little and so grown up all at the same time.

I am not sure I am ready for all that comes with have a school age little girl. But here it is.